Wednesday, December 10, 2008

You Let Her Go....

You let her go. You let go of the one woman that would have given you anything. The one woman that would have moved heaven and earth for you. You let go of the woman who loved you because of your faults and your shortcomings.

She loved you through the bad moods, through the hard times. She loved you while you went on with your life and only let her in when it was convenient for you. She loved you more than ever, when you held her. She loved you at night when she went to sleep and loved you more the next day when she awoke.

She loved you because you weren't perfect. She loved you because you made mistakes, because you were stubborn. She loved you because she seen it in you. She seen your strength. She seen your dedication, and conviction, and she seen the hurt in your eyes. She loved you because you are fearless. She loved you because you were loyal, to a point. She loved you because you knew when to keep your mouth shut. She even loved you when you said the wrong things. She loved you because you made her feel special. She loved you because you made her feel safe.

She loved you because you showed her what it was to make love to someone. She loved you because she could see the effort you would make to express your feelings to her. She loved you because she saw how you wanted to please her. She loved you because even though you couldn't give her everything, you still wanted to. She loved to make you happy. She loved to give to you.

She loved you because you gave her a safe place to fall, and then reminded her she needed to get back up again. She loved you because you helped heal a part of her heart she thought was un-mendable. She loved you so much that she wanted to grow and heal because of you. She loved you because she allowed you to see her vulnerabilities. She loved you because you listened to her dreams, her fears, her insecurities. She loved you because she could vent about her day to you, and you could vent about yours to her. She loved you because she could share a beer with you in silence, and it not be awkward.

She loved you because you inspired her. She loved your smell. She loved your touch. She loved the sound of your voice. She loved your goofy laugh. She loved watching your favorite TV programs with you. She loved to see you smile. She loved the way you looked at her. She loved the way you touched her with gentleness. She loved those feather soft kisses you would leave on her collar bone. She loved to lie in your arms and listen to your heartbeat, realizing not only were your hearts in sync but your breathing was also.

She loved standing out in the summer nights with your arms around her, saying nothing. She loved the horseplay. She loved the fights but loved making up more. She loved the way her heart skipped a beat when you emailed her. She loved the warm fuzzies she got when you gave her a compliment. She loved that she didn’t need to be embarrassed by certain things with you. And that you actually welcomed those things. She loved coming to work and sneaking looks in your direction. She loved it even more when you were looking back at her. She loved the way you brushed her hair from her face and kissed her forehead.

She loved that she could express all the different sides to her personality with you. She loved you because she could be gangsta with you and you would be gangsta back. She could talk about life with you and you would understand and not tune her out. She loved you because not only could you encourage her, but she got to encourage you. She loved you because of the support you gave her.

She watched you grow into a better man. She watched you change for the better. She watched you try.

She watched you, and she loved you, and now she will learn to love herself more.

Thank you for letting her go.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Who's pain is worse?

Whose pain is worse?
I lost my husband after only 15 months; He lost his wife after 45 years.
He lived his dreams and now he has a lifetime of memories;
I did not have time to make my dreams come true and the memories are far to few.

And yet...I am still young independent and will one day dream again;
He is older now and was dependent on her, and his nitemare of loneliness has just begun.
Who will take care of him now?

Whose pain is worse?
My husband and I did not have time to start a family:
She was left with three sons.
Her husband lives on in the face of his children: mine only lives on in my heart.
She has people with whom she can share memories: I am all alone.
And yet...I have time to grieve for myself and to heal:
She must now support her sons, both physically and emotionally.
When will she have time to grieve?
My husband was taken from me without warning.
She knew for nine months that her son was dying.
She had the opportunity for one last hug, one last kiss, one last "good-bye".
I never had a chance for a final word,
a final embrace,
a final "I love you".
And yet....I know my husband did not suffer long and lived the life he wanted;
But she watched her once strong, active son weaken and wither.
As he was robbed of his strength, hopes and dreams.
How does she feel now?
Whose pain is worse?
I was there when my husband died;
she was on vacation when her father died.
She did not have to hear the sirens;
she did not see what I saw.
She did not stand by helplessly as doctors struggled to bring back life.
And yet...I know I did what I could do to save my husband
And I was with him at the end;
She doesn't know how long her father suffered alone
Or if he cried out her name.
Or if things would have been different
If she was at home.
How much does she blame herself?
Whose pain is worse?
To me, mine is worse, to you, yours is worse.
But why do we compare?
I'm hurting and so are you.
Please allow me to have my pain and I will allow you to have yours.
Let me voice my anger and you can voice yours.
Let me release my guilt and you can release yours.
Let me cry on your shoulder and you can cry on mine.
Let me have my grief and I will let you have yours.
And then, one day, let us smile and hug and thank each other for being there.
Whose pain is worse?
Does it really matter?
By Mary Ann Golomb

Who is stronger?

A friend of mine recently wrote a blog about where the line gets drawn. And it got me thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine. We were discussing my being widowed, and his mother being widowed when he was just a boy of 9.

He talked to his mother later that night. He said he wanted to thank her for all the sacrafices she made for him. She asked what brought that on, and he told her about me. She went on to tell him, that he can learn a lot from me and the strength and courage I have. She told him how strong I was to have my husband murdered and then continue to raise him on my own.

You see, when her husband died, she remarried within a year. She remarried quickly to have someone to take care of him, to provide for her son. Her new husband turned out to be very abusive. But she stayed with him through the years. Staying with him through the physical emotional, and verbal abuse. All the while doing it for her son. She had no other way to provide for him. (mind you this was a LONG time ago) She endured this for her boy.

So she says I'm the strong one. She says that I have the courage to go down this road alone. That I am doing what it takes to take care of an autistic child without turning to a man to provide for me.

I said she must be stronger than I to have stayed and endured so much abuse for so long. It really wasn't an option for me to not introduce my son to the men I have in my life. He has social anxiety. Meeting new people is very scarey for him. And since he witnessed his dad's murder, he has a hard time being around men. It takes him months to warm up to the point of talking to them. So why would I put my child through that......

She sees so much strength in me for not turning to a man. And i see so much strength in her for suffering for so long so that her child could be taken care of.

Even though we both only see ourselves as doing what is best for our child, we both see ourselves as the weaker person. Me because I wouldn't have to strugle as I do financially if I found someone to take care of us. Because I run from my grief. Because I have self destructing habits. (none of which my child witnesses) Her because, she thinks she took the easy way out. Finding the first person willing to take them both in.

Its really just the way you look at it. How you percieve things... It matters not what anyone else thinks or says or praises or criticizes you on. What matters is that at the end of the day you feel good about what you are doing for yourself, for the ones you love, you are doing whats best in your life..... Not necessarily what's best in someone elses life.....