Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
She watches because she misses them. She watches to relive. She watches to remember. She watches so she won't forget.
Why haven't I been able to allow myself to sit quietly, in my darkened living room, curled up in a corner of my couch, with a blanket covering my legs, holding my remote, watching home movies of my late spouse?
Maybe it only happens like that in the movies.... ???
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Other people believe in me. Other people believe that I will make the right choice... And I know; I won’t.
Other people believe that I will let go and move on one day... And I know; I won’t.
Other people think I just need time. And I know; time has nothing to do with it.
Other people think I will walk away when I’m ready; and I know if nothing changes, then no, I won’t.
As long as he keeps feeding me just enough to stay, I’ll never go. I’ll forever be trapped in this land of mediocrity. Of wanting more. Craving more. KNOWING I deserve more. (Oh yes, I know it. I do. I REALLY do.) But I only want it from him.
And I know, if he chooses to keep me here for another 20 years; I will stay. I will stay and constantly hunger for more from him. I will stay and constantly doubt my worth to him. I will stay and secretly tell myself that one day he will see. One day he will realize. One day he will want; ME…
I know me and I know I’ll stay… and hope.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
But there is a soldier that stands guard outside those walls.....
Thursday, October 7, 2010
And yet…. I know it’s there. Lurking just below the surface. Thick, boiling, goopy, smelly. It’s there. I’ve plunged my arms elbow deep into my very core and cleaned and scooped, and processed so many nasty horrible feelings and it’s taken me a long time to get that all cleared out, and with it gone I feel so light, and breezy, and… happy. But it’s all on the surface…
There’s more… And I can’t seem to reach it. I want to. I’m ready. I’d give anything to tap into this deeper hurt and pain and anger. I know it’s there. I just can’t get to it…
It’s more than my husband being gone. It’s more than the ongoing court process. It’s more than bills, and men, and disabilities. It’s more than work, and friends, and family. It’s more than diseases, and the failing health of loved ones. It’s MORE than anything I’ve faced in the past.
How can I get to it? How can I break through the surface? I’m ready. I’m willing to do the work. I just need to know what it is that I’m working on….
I try to enjoy the light, airy, easy going life but it’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for the black clouds in the distance to roll in. I’m waiting for the earth to rumble and the volcano to erupt.
I’m enjoying it, but am doing so with caution… The LAST thing I want is to be blissfully skipping along and then without ANY warning to get completely blindsided, and immersed in something I have no idea how to get out of….