Wednesday, December 10, 2008

You Let Her Go....

You let her go. You let go of the one woman that would have given you anything. The one woman that would have moved heaven and earth for you. You let go of the woman who loved you because of your faults and your shortcomings.

She loved you through the bad moods, through the hard times. She loved you while you went on with your life and only let her in when it was convenient for you. She loved you more than ever, when you held her. She loved you at night when she went to sleep and loved you more the next day when she awoke.

She loved you because you weren't perfect. She loved you because you made mistakes, because you were stubborn. She loved you because she seen it in you. She seen your strength. She seen your dedication, and conviction, and she seen the hurt in your eyes. She loved you because you are fearless. She loved you because you were loyal, to a point. She loved you because you knew when to keep your mouth shut. She even loved you when you said the wrong things. She loved you because you made her feel special. She loved you because you made her feel safe.

She loved you because you showed her what it was to make love to someone. She loved you because she could see the effort you would make to express your feelings to her. She loved you because she saw how you wanted to please her. She loved you because even though you couldn't give her everything, you still wanted to. She loved to make you happy. She loved to give to you.

She loved you because you gave her a safe place to fall, and then reminded her she needed to get back up again. She loved you because you helped heal a part of her heart she thought was un-mendable. She loved you so much that she wanted to grow and heal because of you. She loved you because she allowed you to see her vulnerabilities. She loved you because you listened to her dreams, her fears, her insecurities. She loved you because she could vent about her day to you, and you could vent about yours to her. She loved you because she could share a beer with you in silence, and it not be awkward.

She loved you because you inspired her. She loved your smell. She loved your touch. She loved the sound of your voice. She loved your goofy laugh. She loved watching your favorite TV programs with you. She loved to see you smile. She loved the way you looked at her. She loved the way you touched her with gentleness. She loved those feather soft kisses you would leave on her collar bone. She loved to lie in your arms and listen to your heartbeat, realizing not only were your hearts in sync but your breathing was also.

She loved standing out in the summer nights with your arms around her, saying nothing. She loved the horseplay. She loved the fights but loved making up more. She loved the way her heart skipped a beat when you emailed her. She loved the warm fuzzies she got when you gave her a compliment. She loved that she didn’t need to be embarrassed by certain things with you. And that you actually welcomed those things. She loved coming to work and sneaking looks in your direction. She loved it even more when you were looking back at her. She loved the way you brushed her hair from her face and kissed her forehead.

She loved that she could express all the different sides to her personality with you. She loved you because she could be gangsta with you and you would be gangsta back. She could talk about life with you and you would understand and not tune her out. She loved you because not only could you encourage her, but she got to encourage you. She loved you because of the support you gave her.

She watched you grow into a better man. She watched you change for the better. She watched you try.

She watched you, and she loved you, and now she will learn to love herself more.

Thank you for letting her go.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Who's pain is worse?

Whose pain is worse?
I lost my husband after only 15 months; He lost his wife after 45 years.
He lived his dreams and now he has a lifetime of memories;
I did not have time to make my dreams come true and the memories are far to few.

And yet...I am still young independent and will one day dream again;
He is older now and was dependent on her, and his nitemare of loneliness has just begun.
Who will take care of him now?

Whose pain is worse?
My husband and I did not have time to start a family:
She was left with three sons.
Her husband lives on in the face of his children: mine only lives on in my heart.
She has people with whom she can share memories: I am all alone.
And yet...I have time to grieve for myself and to heal:
She must now support her sons, both physically and emotionally.
When will she have time to grieve?
My husband was taken from me without warning.
She knew for nine months that her son was dying.
She had the opportunity for one last hug, one last kiss, one last "good-bye".
I never had a chance for a final word,
a final embrace,
a final "I love you".
And yet....I know my husband did not suffer long and lived the life he wanted;
But she watched her once strong, active son weaken and wither.
As he was robbed of his strength, hopes and dreams.
How does she feel now?
Whose pain is worse?
I was there when my husband died;
she was on vacation when her father died.
She did not have to hear the sirens;
she did not see what I saw.
She did not stand by helplessly as doctors struggled to bring back life.
And yet...I know I did what I could do to save my husband
And I was with him at the end;
She doesn't know how long her father suffered alone
Or if he cried out her name.
Or if things would have been different
If she was at home.
How much does she blame herself?
Whose pain is worse?
To me, mine is worse, to you, yours is worse.
But why do we compare?
I'm hurting and so are you.
Please allow me to have my pain and I will allow you to have yours.
Let me voice my anger and you can voice yours.
Let me release my guilt and you can release yours.
Let me cry on your shoulder and you can cry on mine.
Let me have my grief and I will let you have yours.
And then, one day, let us smile and hug and thank each other for being there.
Whose pain is worse?
Does it really matter?
By Mary Ann Golomb

Who is stronger?

A friend of mine recently wrote a blog about where the line gets drawn. And it got me thinking about a conversation I had with a friend of mine. We were discussing my being widowed, and his mother being widowed when he was just a boy of 9.

He talked to his mother later that night. He said he wanted to thank her for all the sacrafices she made for him. She asked what brought that on, and he told her about me. She went on to tell him, that he can learn a lot from me and the strength and courage I have. She told him how strong I was to have my husband murdered and then continue to raise him on my own.

You see, when her husband died, she remarried within a year. She remarried quickly to have someone to take care of him, to provide for her son. Her new husband turned out to be very abusive. But she stayed with him through the years. Staying with him through the physical emotional, and verbal abuse. All the while doing it for her son. She had no other way to provide for him. (mind you this was a LONG time ago) She endured this for her boy.

So she says I'm the strong one. She says that I have the courage to go down this road alone. That I am doing what it takes to take care of an autistic child without turning to a man to provide for me.

I said she must be stronger than I to have stayed and endured so much abuse for so long. It really wasn't an option for me to not introduce my son to the men I have in my life. He has social anxiety. Meeting new people is very scarey for him. And since he witnessed his dad's murder, he has a hard time being around men. It takes him months to warm up to the point of talking to them. So why would I put my child through that......

She sees so much strength in me for not turning to a man. And i see so much strength in her for suffering for so long so that her child could be taken care of.

Even though we both only see ourselves as doing what is best for our child, we both see ourselves as the weaker person. Me because I wouldn't have to strugle as I do financially if I found someone to take care of us. Because I run from my grief. Because I have self destructing habits. (none of which my child witnesses) Her because, she thinks she took the easy way out. Finding the first person willing to take them both in.

Its really just the way you look at it. How you percieve things... It matters not what anyone else thinks or says or praises or criticizes you on. What matters is that at the end of the day you feel good about what you are doing for yourself, for the ones you love, you are doing whats best in your life..... Not necessarily what's best in someone elses life.....

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

My hole.................

It's that time again. Time for me to find my hole. I usually do it about every six months. Usually April and Oct. This year I passed on my solo trip and took my boy to disneyland with the family. Not really solo time. Actually there wasn't any solo time. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I haven't even been back a month. BLAH.

So, tonight I start looking for a warmer destination to maybe take a solo trip a quick one.

Someone Shake my world please

All of a sudden I feel distant from the people that matter to me. Not that they are pulling away, but I am. I am doing subconciously. I don't know why I am doing it. I don't want to do it, How can I stop myself? Its like something inside me is dying. Like that rose on Beauty and the Beast, how it just slowly wilts, and the petals fall. Just a slow gradual death. Hmmm... Wonder what that's about?

Maybe its the holidays? My hormones? My grief? My family? My friends? My job? My boyfriend (do I even call him that)? Who am I? Where do I belong?

I want change. Instead of taking my solo 6 month trip this year I went with family to Disneyland. And that was good times. But I missed out on the me time. The time that I take to connect with me. Find myself again. Breathe again.

I need that. I'm feeling so cluttered. My whole life, it's like I just want to shake my world.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

My girlfriend has a carrot patch growing on her face!

Ok, well I take that back, she DID have a carrot patch growing on her face..... But I fixed that.... You see she had neglected her eyebrows for 10 years. The one thing on your face that can change the way you look. And yet the change is so subtle, she just looks refreshed.

It was kinda cute, cause when I was pulling the hairs out, they had roots that were attached to her brain stem, (Ready in a hillbilly accent ~I swear to God they were). As I plucked them her little face would twitch like a rabbits nose... It was pretty cute...

And I gotta say this is the same friend that referred to the herd of camels in my pants a few weeks ago, so yeah... I won't lie... I took a little satisfaction in plucking those hairs out one by one!!!

I swear to God I did!

I quit!!!

So I realized the other day that I haven't smoked in a month.... I hadn't realized it but the gym actually took away the craving for a cigarette. Now don't get me wrong, there were still times that I wanted one. There were still times I thought I was so stressed out that I wouldn't make it through without one.... But guess what I did.

But the biggest accomplishment for me I think was making it through a court hearing without having one... That was the whole reason I started smoking again after 6 years. The stress of going into that court room, looking at the face of a murderer. The man that took away life as I knew it.

But I got through Friday without one. There were moments when I thought I was gonna be weak. Instead of going home , having a cold beer and a smoke on my front steps I went to lunch with 2 girlfriends... I think that is what did it. After lunch with them I got home, and made a conscious choice not to have one.

Besides, I can't even tell you guys how bad my lungs BURN when I'm working out. It's getting better, but in the beginning, I thought they were going to EXPLODE!

Anyway, GO ME....

Can I get a woot woot!!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Looking outside yourself for validation......

I've learned this the hard way.... But sometimes I forget it... I had a moment tonight when I forgot it.... Looking outside yourself for validation, of anything, let it be compliments from others, someone to tell you are strong, you are a good mom, anything, it only leads to heartache in the end.

Everyone should remember that no matter what it is that you are seeking... The answers truly lie within you. If you don't truly feel as though you are beautiful, line up a thousand people to tell you just that... You'll go to bed feeling like a rockstar, but guess what when you wake up in the morning, you'll be looking for just one of those thousand people to remind you.

Don't think you're a good mom? Join a mommies group, bring the snacks, have play dates at your place, let all the other moms tell you that they "just don't know how you do it." They leave and you feel like mother of the year.... You're awesome... You tuck your kids in for bed, read 'em a story, shut the light off, go crawl in your own bed so proud that everyone thinks you are a great mom. Then wake up late the next morning and take it out on your kids..... Can't find your trophy can you?

You must know and believe in yourself in all that you do, think, and say. It's no one's job to tell you how much they love you. You need to know that you are loveable. No matter what you look like, or how much you weigh, you are beautiful. No matter how many people tell you "you're so strong" you need to know before you put that razor to your wrist, or swallow those pills, that deep down you WILL make it through. You will find your way.

If you don't believe in you...... All the belief, and encouragement, and support won't ever be enough.....

Everything you could ever possibly need will only be found within yourself.....

Friday, September 26, 2008

Be carefull of what you wish for.....

Ok.... Here comes the blog about my current emotional heartache about loving someone that I absolutely have no business loving.....

I know full well that this is a dead end relationship.... I absolutely know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that this is not going to be my "happy ever after".... I know this.... I 100% believe that this is not going to end with bird seed being thrown, as we run down the makeshift runway of friends and family, into a waiting stretch limo, with "just married" written on the back window. Hell, we're not even talking about a jeans and Tshirt moment at the justice of the peace.....

This is one of those horrible mazes with no exit..... You go in thinking there will be one... But once you are good and lost in this maze, you realize that the only way out is the way you came in. Except now you're too far in to remember your way out.

It's not a scary maze. There's no freakish clowns jumping out to scare you.... No distant sounds of chain saws.... You feel safe in these walls.... you know these walls..... You've laughed and cried, and loved in these walls.

I don't necessarily want out right away, I enjoy a good challenge, I know if I keep at it I will find my way out on my own, and I will be a stronger person for knowing I did it on my own. I've learned a lot about myself in this maze. I've grown in ways I never thought possible. I've faced fears I hadn't realized were there. I know I deserve a maze with an exit. But I'm in love with this maze.

So what does one do when one is faced with something like this.....?

I'm lost....

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

A whole herd of Camels....

I think I mentioned previously that I am working out twice a day. I go in an hour before work, get my cardio on, change into my uniform, work my 8 hour graveyeard shift, changeback into my gym clothes, and then work on strength training usually for 45 minutes + or - 15 minutes or so. (Really that depends on how chatty we get with the oncoming shift.)

Ok the point to that was to establish that I do not dress in my uniform before I walk out of the house. My routine, before I leave goes something like this...

  • "Logan, get your socks and shoes on."
  • Water bottle - check
  • Hair tie - check
  • "Logan, are you putting your socks and shoes on?"
  • IPOD - check
  • Work pants - check
  • White undershirt - check
  • Uniform shirt -check
  • "Logan, Mommy's serious! I NEED you to put your socks and shoes on!"
  • Belt - check
  • Badge - check
  • (new puppy chasing behind me everywhere I go biting my ankles) UGH!
  • purse -check

So, once everything is all gathered and in one spot, I put my sons socks and shoes on him, cause he never did... Dirty rotten little....Grumble.... grumble.... We have a fight cause he's not ready to go, he needs to finish watching George of the Jungle, which by the way is a rerun... I know because we've seen it a million times. More grumbles.....

Fast forward to workout. I'm not too happy with it, cause I had a bit of a meltdown. Something to do with married guy, (but this blog is not about him). Before I know it, I have to wipe my tears and barely have time to run in and get changed into my uniform.

This is where disaster strikes. Yes I brought everything.... BUT I grabbed the wrong pair of pants.... The pants I grabbed were from the days back, when I weighed 45 pounds less than what I do now.... How could this be happening....???? I don't even have a bed to lie down on to try and button them up.... What am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to be at my station in 10 minutes!

OK... I can do this.... I button the bottom button... (there are only 4 buttons, no zipper, dangerous situation I know!) Oh, that bottom button is not happy with all the weight litteraly pressing down on her.

Second to last button - SUCK IT IN BABY!!! ok... second to last button is code 4. (cop talk for everything is ok) I can seriously feel the relief the last button felt. However this is not over yet.

Third to last button - Ok, really I don't know how I got this button, I vaugely remember some hopping up and down, leg wiggling, praying to great heavens, and oh there were definate grunts.

Now with 3 buttons down, the last one is an ABSOLUTE no go. And did I mention that there is absolutely no way in HELL that I would be able to tuck in not just one shirt, but 2. HA!

But wait there is a VERY uncomfortable feeling coming from my crotch. These pants are so tight, I believe I have a camel toe. Could it be? I slowly slide my hand down the front of my pants, and YEP (now I've never actually felt a real camels toe, so I don't have anything solid to compare it to) There was a camel with his TOES IN MY PANTS!

Oh, no... Not done. The pants were so tight, that I had a camel toe up my ass. Bobbi, (my trainer/friend mind you) points out that I have a whole heard of camels in my pants....

So now I'm at work, with pants so tight that the slightest bend at the waist and I am sure there will be buttons flying around hitting people in the eyes. First of which I wanted it to be Bobbi for laughing so hard at me....

So, I come into my little cubicle, take the pants off, and here I sit in my gym pants.... Tomorrow I will have to put them on again when I leave the office.... To walk out in.....

From now on I will be doing a test run of my uniform BEFORE I leave the house!

You're momma's so FAT

So.... I been going to the gym twice a day for the last 3 days, and today, my girlfriend/co-worker/used to be a personal trainer/is now my personal trainer decides today is as good as day as any to start using the stability balls.

Even though I have voiced my concerns of popping it for 3 days now she assures me that won't happen.... I trust her. I believe her. I go into the room with all the different brightly colored balls we pick out one that looks as though it is big enough for me. It's yellow. She pick an orange one for her.

She sits down on her ball. All skinny and cute it barely gives under her butt. She's bouncing, we laugh. I'm still nervous about sitting on my ball.... But here is the moment of truth....

I hold my breath.... Close my eyes.... and sit....

It doesn't pop... Oh there is a God....

However, it does look like a yellow M&M under my ass... BUT it's still inflated, which in big girl world (and not as in big girl just peed in the potty kinda way~big girl like shop in the other department kinda way) is a huge deal....

So she has me roll, all the way to the small of my back and do crunches.... Not so bad... First I can actually do the crunches, and feel it in my abs... It really is working.... Minus the few times I literally rolled off the ball, I think all in all I did a pretty good job.

On to the push ups with the ball under our knees... Ummm.... OK.... I couldn't even stay on the damn ball to do a single push up. It kept rolling every which way. Taking the lower half of my body with it. I felt like I was learning to break dance.

We laughed a lot... A whole lot, which laughter burns calories too, so all in all, I liked the stability balls.

Oh and for those of you thinking that is NOT a work out... We also did some cardio in the beginning, and I proved to her that I can't do that one thing where you hold your body weight on your elbows and bring your knees up....

Good times..... SO to finish up the joke I made up while lying in bed remembering the morning of stability ball fun~

You're momma's so fat, she sat on a stability ball and a skittle popped out!

Good thing I'm not that fat. Whew!

Thanks Bobbi!

Batman Pictures

Monday, September 22, 2008

Introduction about me

So ~ A little background on me. I'm 27, one son named Logan, he's 5.

He's autistic, so there will no doubt be blogs that revolve around him, and the issues that I go through with that aspect of my life...

I'm widowed, my husband was murdered, so there will no doubt be blogs that revolve around that part of my life, and the trial, my thoughts, my fears, and just what ever happens to go through my mind at the moment....

I like to addiction hop. Sometimes I'm an alocoholic, going to the bars and clubs 3-4 times a week. Sometimes I'm a smoker. Sometimes I'm a sex addict sleeping with up to 4 different men in one weeks time. SOMETIMES I'm an all around addict, going to the bars, smoking, AND taking home random men.... (But haven't been there for a while)

Currently, I'm trying to get healthy and focus on me right now. Trying to quit the smoking, and the beer, (I'm down to the occasional beer) Though grocery shopping the other day my son asked (in a very loud voice and pointing mind you) if we needed a "this kind of drink mommy". Yeah is was a giant case of Bud Light. I got some looks from the shoppers near by.... It was kinda funny actually.....

Oh, and I am trying to distant myself from loving unavailable men. I know it sucks.... Either they are married, overseas, work~a~holics, or just plain not willing to commit.... (ok.... so 9.5 times out of 10 I don't want to commit) but I am really working on my commitment phobias.....

Oh yeah, I like to talk about life, the meaning of it, how to get what we want, what we need, and I just might post some things on here about God, and my belief or non belief of him.... It varies.... Currently I am trying to find him....

Oh and you might get to hear the funny workout stories too.... O~M~G are they funny!!!