Friday, January 30, 2009

What do you want MOST in the whole world?

That question to an average person might get met with a response of "world peace" "cure for AIDS" "cure for cancer" "a million dollars" "so-and-so to fall in love with me" "a new house/car". The list literally could go on and on.

Two days ago my son, Logan, came in my room looking very sad. He says to me, "mom, I need to show you something." It was his drum set that the neighbor kids came over and broke the day before. I told him, "well maybe mom can buy you a new one." Only a kid beyond his years could come back with "but, that will cost lots and lots of money."

Now my brother, a truck driver who's heart is as big as China, feels terrible for my son. He tells him, in a really exciting voice, "When I come back in town I'm gonna buy you WHAT EVER YOU WANT. So think about what you want MOST in the WHOLE wide world and Uncle Jake is gonna buy that for you, ok?"

I see it coming... I pray that my son is still sad about the drum set and will hurridly say, "I want a new drum set!" No such luck. I watch my little sons face look at his uncle with the most angry/are you retarded look, and yells "I WANT MY DAD! BUT HE'S DEAD! THAT BAD GUY SHOT HIM! AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!"

My heart sinks..... Logan walks into my closet to hide behind the clothes, his place where he likes to go when he wants to be alone. My brother looking at me stunned, didn't quite understand everything that my little boy had just yelled at him. (Due to his autism he doesn't talk like a normal 5 yr old.) Needless to say that wasn't the reaction he had imagined. After I relayed to him what my son had said, he felt horrible. Tried to explain to his heart broken nephew that he would buy him what ever he wanted from the STORE. That he couldn't bring his dad back, but one day maybe he will get to see him again.

Now, God is a subject that doesn't get discussed. Especially to a little boy with autism that has a hard time understanding reality. My brother, trying to bring comfort to him is trying to explain that one day we will all be together again.... But in Logan's world, his dad is "bones in the ground" and not coming back. So he tells my brother to "leave me alone. You are ruining my thinking."

I can only imagine what is going through my little man's mind..... He watches his dad get killed, he knows something bad happened, tries to understand in his little mind what death is, and the finality of it, then along comes Uncle Jake telling him, one day he's gonna see him again.

My heart aches...... So what do I want most in the whole world? I want what my son wants....

1 comment:

McKayle Hart said...

My heart aches for your family. I'm Steph's sister-in-law and I hear a lot about you, all good things. I'm sorry for your loss.