Be carefull of what you wish for.....

Ok.... Here comes the blog about my current emotional heartache about loving someone that I absolutely have no business loving.....

I know full well that this is a dead end relationship.... I absolutely know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that this is not going to be my "happy ever after".... I know this.... I 100% believe that this is not going to end with bird seed being thrown, as we run down the makeshift runway of friends and family, into a waiting stretch limo, with "just married" written on the back window. Hell, we're not even talking about a jeans and Tshirt moment at the justice of the peace.....

This is one of those horrible mazes with no exit..... You go in thinking there will be one... But once you are good and lost in this maze, you realize that the only way out is the way you came in. Except now you're too far in to remember your way out.

It's not a scary maze. There's no freakish clowns jumping out to scare you.... No distant sounds of chain saws.... You feel safe in these walls.... you know these walls..... You've laughed and cried, and loved in these walls.

I don't necessarily want out right away, I enjoy a good challenge, I know if I keep at it I will find my way out on my own, and I will be a stronger person for knowing I did it on my own. I've learned a lot about myself in this maze. I've grown in ways I never thought possible. I've faced fears I hadn't realized were there. I know I deserve a maze with an exit. But I'm in love with this maze.

So what does one do when one is faced with something like this.....?

I'm lost....

A whole herd of Camels....

I think I mentioned previously that I am working out twice a day. I go in an hour before work, get my cardio on, change into my uniform, work my 8 hour graveyeard shift, changeback into my gym clothes, and then work on strength training usually for 45 minutes + or - 15 minutes or so. (Really that depends on how chatty we get with the oncoming shift.)

Ok the point to that was to establish that I do not dress in my uniform before I walk out of the house. My routine, before I leave goes something like this...

• "Logan, get your socks and shoes on."
• Water bottle - check
• Hair tie - check
• "Logan, are you putting your socks and shoes on?"
• IPOD - check
• Work pants - check
• White undershirt - check
• Uniform shirt -check
• "Logan, Mommy's serious! I NEED you to put your socks and shoes on!"
• Belt - check
• Badge - check
• (new puppy chasing behind me everywhere I go biting my ankles) UGH!
• purse -check

So, once everything is all gathered and in one spot, I put my sons socks and shoes on him, cause he never did... Dirty rotten little....Grumble.... grumble.... We have a fight cause he's not ready to go, he needs to finish watching George of the Jungle, which by the way is a rerun... I know because we've seen it a million times. More grumbles.....

Fast forward to workout. I'm not too happy with it, cause I had a bit of a meltdown. Something to do with married guy, (but this blog is not about him). Before I know it, I have to wipe my tears and barely have time to run in and get changed into my uniform.

This is where disaster strikes. Yes I brought everything.... BUT I grabbed the wrong pair of pants.... The pants I grabbed were from the days back, when I weighed 45 pounds less than what I do now.... How could this be happening....???? I don't even have a bed to lie down on to try and button them up.... What am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to be at my station in 10 minutes!

OK... I can do this.... I button the bottom button... (there are only 4 buttons, no zipper, dangerous situation I know!) Oh, that bottom button is not happy with all the weight litteraly pressing down on her.

Second to last button - SUCK IT IN BABY!!! ok... second to last button is code 4. (cop talk for everything is ok) I can seriously feel the relief the last button felt. However this is not over yet.

Third to last button - Ok, really I don't know how I got this button, I vaugely remember some hopping up and down, leg wiggling, praying to great heavens, and oh there were definate grunts.

Now with 3 buttons down, the last one is an ABSOLUTE no go. And did I mention that there is absolutely no way in HELL that I would be able to tuck in not just one shirt, but 2. HA!

But wait there is a VERY uncomfortable feeling coming from my crotch. These pants are so tight, I believe I have a camel toe. Could it be? I slowly slide my hand down the front of my pants, and YEP (now I've never actually felt a real camels toe, so I don't have anything solid to compare it to) There was a camel with his TOES IN MY PANTS!

Oh, no... Not done. The pants were so tight, that I had a camel toe up my ass. Bobbi, (my trainer/friend mind you) points out that I have a whole heard of camels in my pants....

So now I'm at work, with pants so tight that the slightest bend at the waist and I am sure there will be buttons flying around hitting people in the eyes. First of which I wanted it to be Bobbi for laughing so hard at me....

So, I come into my little cubicle, take the pants off, and here I sit in my gym pants.... Tomorrow I will have to put them on again when I leave the office.... To walk out in.....

From now on I will be doing a test run of my uniform BEFORE I leave the house!

You're momma's so FAT

So.... I been going to the gym twice a day for the last 3 days, and today, my girlfriend/co-worker/used to be a personal trainer/is now my personal trainer decides today is as good as day as any to start using the stability balls.

Even though I have voiced my concerns of popping it for 3 days now she assures me that won't happen.... I trust her. I believe her. I go into the room with all the different brightly colored balls we pick out one that looks as though it is big enough for me. It's yellow. She pick an orange one for her.

She sits down on her ball. All skinny and cute it barely gives under her butt. She's bouncing, we laugh. I'm still nervous about sitting on my ball.... But here is the moment of truth....

I hold my breath.... Close my eyes.... and sit....

It doesn't pop... Oh there is a God....

However, it does look like a yellow M&M under my ass... BUT it's still inflated, which in big girl world (and not as in big girl just peed in the potty kinda way~big girl like shop in the other department kinda way) is a huge deal....

So she has me roll, all the way to the small of my back and do crunches.... Not so bad... First I can actually do the crunches, and feel it in my abs... It really is working.... Minus the few times I literally rolled off the ball, I think all in all I did a pretty good job.

On to the push ups with the ball under our knees... Ummm.... OK.... I couldn't even stay on the damn ball to do a single push up. It kept rolling every which way. Taking the lower half of my body with it. I felt like I was learning to break dance.

We laughed a lot... A whole lot, which laughter burns calories too, so all in all, I liked the stability balls.

Oh and for those of you thinking that is NOT a work out... We also did some cardio in the beginning, and I proved to her that I can't do that one thing where you hold your body weight on your elbows and bring your knees up....

Good times..... SO to finish up the joke I made up while lying in bed remembering the morning of stability ball fun~

You're momma's so fat, she sat on a stability ball and a skittle popped out!

Good thing I'm not that fat. Whew!

Thanks Bobbi!

Batman Pictures

Introduction about me

So ~ A little background on me. I'm 27, one son named Logan, he's 5.

He's autistic, so there will no doubt be blogs that revolve around him, and the issues that I go through with that aspect of my life...

I'm widowed, my husband was murdered, so there will no doubt be blogs that revolve around that part of my life, and the trial, my thoughts, my fears, and just what ever happens to go through my mind at the moment....

I like to addiction hop. Sometimes I'm an alocoholic, going to the bars and clubs 3-4 times a week. Sometimes I'm a smoker. Sometimes I'm a sex addict sleeping with up to 4 different men in one weeks time. SOMETIMES I'm an all around addict, going to the bars, smoking, AND taking home random men.... (But haven't been there for a while)

Currently, I'm trying to get healthy and focus on me right now. Trying to quit the smoking, and the beer, (I'm down to the occasional beer) Though grocery shopping the other day my son asked (in a very loud voice and pointing mind you) if we needed a "this kind of drink mommy". Yeah is was a giant case of Bud Light. I got some looks from the shoppers near by.... It was kinda funny actually.....

Oh, and I am trying to distant myself from loving unavailable men. I know it sucks.... Either they are married, overseas, work~a~holics, or just plain not willing to commit.... (ok.... so 9.5 times out of 10 I don't want to commit) but I am really working on my commitment phobias.....

Oh yeah, I like to talk about life, the meaning of it, how to get what we want, what we need, and I just might post some things on here about God, and my belief or non belief of him.... It varies.... Currently I am trying to find him....

Oh and you might get to hear the funny workout stories too.... O~M~G are they funny!!!