What I'm supposed to be doing.....

Remember when you were a child and your mother would catch you doing something bad. Not really bad but not great either, like peaking under the bathroom stall, or touching something you were told not to, stuff like that, and your mother would say "Are you supposed to be doing that?" To which you would sheepishly reply, "no".

Well here it is, the night before a court hearing. I'm supposed to have picked out what I would be wearing. Something with the color red because all the "experts" say wearing red makes you feel more confident. I should have my shoes picked out, and what pants I'm gonna wear. I should have had my shower by now, so tomorrow morning I would only have to worry about styling my hair. I should be sleeping soundly so I won't show up looking tired, exhausted, drained, emotionally spent.

Am I supposed to be up blogging? "no". But so many things are running through my head. What will the judge say? Will he grant another evaluation? Will he say there have been enough already? Will the charges get put on hold? Will the attorney General agree to commit him civilly? Will immigration come in and deport him back to Mexico where he can drink beer on the beach? Will he look in my eyes again? Will he show me his cocky little smirk?

Well, I'm going to worry about what I'll wear tomorrow, I'll shower before I go, pull my hair into a wet bun, no make up as that will all get cried off anyway, drink lots and lots of coffee, breathe, and hand the rest over to the universe. That's all I can do right?

I long for the day that this is over. I want to visit my husbands grave in Mexico, but when I do I want to be able to tell him that the SOB has been put away. Justice been served. His death avenged. Because that is what is supposed to happen right? Our justice system is supposed to punish wrong doers.

How can I be mad at the justice system for not doing what it is supposed to be doing, when I myself am not either...........

Music

Some things are said in a song, that could never be said otherwise....

Some things are only understood when heard with music...

Sometimes, a song breaks through the walls around your heart and you end up a blubbering mess......

Those are my favorite songs

What do you want MOST in the whole world?

That question to an average person might get met with a response of "world peace" "cure for AIDS" "cure for cancer" "a million dollars" "so-and-so to fall in love with me" "a new house/car". The list literally could go on and on.

Two days ago my son, Logan, came in my room looking very sad. He says to me, "mom, I need to show you something." It was his drum set that the neighbor kids came over and broke the day before. I told him, "well maybe mom can buy you a new one." Only a kid beyond his years could come back with "but, that will cost lots and lots of money."

Now my brother, a truck driver who's heart is as big as China, feels terrible for my son. He tells him, in a really exciting voice, "When I come back in town I'm gonna buy you WHAT EVER YOU WANT. So think about what you want MOST in the WHOLE wide world and Uncle Jake is gonna buy that for you, ok?"

I see it coming... I pray that my son is still sad about the drum set and will hurridly say, "I want a new drum set!" No such luck. I watch my little sons face look at his uncle with the most angry/are you retarded look, and yells "I WANT MY DAD! BUT HE'S DEAD! THAT BAD GUY SHOT HIM! AND HE'S NEVER COMING BACK!"

My heart sinks..... Logan walks into my closet to hide behind the clothes, his place where he likes to go when he wants to be alone. My brother looking at me stunned, didn't quite understand everything that my little boy had just yelled at him. (Due to his autism he doesn't talk like a normal 5 yr old.) Needless to say that wasn't the reaction he had imagined. After I relayed to him what my son had said, he felt horrible. Tried to explain to his heart broken nephew that he would buy him what ever he wanted from the STORE. That he couldn't bring his dad back, but one day maybe he will get to see him again.

Now, God is a subject that doesn't get discussed. Especially to a little boy with autism that has a hard time understanding reality. My brother, trying to bring comfort to him is trying to explain that one day we will all be together again.... But in Logan's world, his dad is "bones in the ground" and not coming back. So he tells my brother to "leave me alone. You are ruining my thinking."

I can only imagine what is going through my little man's mind..... He watches his dad get killed, he knows something bad happened, tries to understand in his little mind what death is, and the finality of it, then along comes Uncle Jake telling him, one day he's gonna see him again.

My heart aches...... So what do I want most in the whole world? I want what my son wants....

Its coming...........

It's a week away.......... It makes me sick to my stomach......... It makes me want to stay in bed and sleep for 13 hours (as I did today)........... It makes me want to push everyone away from me (including my son)............ It sucks the life out of me........... It crushes the light in my spirit........ It drains my energy.......... It leaves me blank and empty............ It brings intense anxiety........ It brings horrible flashbacks...... It summons the hatred I have deep inside me..... It leaves me with barely enough patience to remain calm in the simplest of situations......... It lowers a 500lb weight onto my chest........ It reminds me of the cruelest realities........ It disrupts my dreams........ It reminds me I'm alone.........