Thursday, October 7, 2010

No Worries.... So it seems....

So I got no complaints. No worries. No real troubles on my mind. Life seems pretty good. Don’t get me wrong I have the basic, everyday frustrations; scheduling everything to fit, laundry, cleaning, getting the kiddo fed, karate, homework, etc… But no REAL worries.

And yet…. I know it’s there. Lurking just below the surface. Thick, boiling, goopy, smelly. It’s there. I’ve plunged my arms elbow deep into my very core and cleaned and scooped, and processed so many nasty horrible feelings and it’s taken me a long time to get that all cleared out, and with it gone I feel so light, and breezy, and… happy. But it’s all on the surface…

There’s more… And I can’t seem to reach it. I want to. I’m ready. I’d give anything to tap into this deeper hurt and pain and anger. I know it’s there. I just can’t get to it…

It’s more than my husband being gone. It’s more than the ongoing court process. It’s more than bills, and men, and disabilities. It’s more than work, and friends, and family. It’s more than diseases, and the failing health of loved ones. It’s MORE than anything I’ve faced in the past.

How can I get to it? How can I break through the surface? I’m ready. I’m willing to do the work. I just need to know what it is that I’m working on….

I try to enjoy the light, airy, easy going life but it’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m waiting for the black clouds in the distance to roll in. I’m waiting for the earth to rumble and the volcano to erupt.

I’m enjoying it, but am doing so with caution… The LAST thing I want is to be blissfully skipping along and then without ANY warning to get completely blindsided, and immersed in something I have no idea how to get out of….

No comments: